Hey, Little MULLY!!
Dude, you’re not even MULLY yet….I’ll get to that. Man, where should I start? A lot of things are coming up in your life. I guess right now your mom is finishing up her second marriage from that abusive assclown she was married to and your dad is probably finishing up his second marriage from that stone cold bitch he was married to. Don’t worry though, man, good things are on the horizon. In another 2 years your dad is going to marry a wonderful woman that will take you in and love you as her own. She’ll be the one raising you over the next several years so make sure to be good to her. I know you will be though so I’m not concerned about that. What? You say you’re living with your mom and sister right now and want to know how you get to living with your dad? Well, dude, you were a handful. Pretty soon you’re going to be moving into an apartment over the dance studio and you’re going to start spending a lot of time at the pizza shop and running the streets with your friends. Your friends aren’t bad kids but you guys are going to be doing a lot of things that could get you in trouble. Your mom put up with it for quite a while but, in the end, you needed a man around to keep you in check. Your mom also thought you would benefit from having a regular home life so she did everything she could to protect you and sent you off to live with your dad. Don’t worry about that though, either, you see her pretty much every weekend until she gets married again and moves to Florida….We’re getting ahead of ourselves though.
Dude, around the 6th grade you do something really stupid, you’re in downtown Cincinnati with Diedre and the two of you sneak into a doorway on 6th street and try smoking cigarettes. Man, do me a favor, if that offer comes up again, run away. You’ve never been the type to bend because of peer pressure, you’ve always done your own thing and told everyone else to FO if they didn’t like it. Do that with smoking too, please. Hey, here’s a tip for ya, take that cigarette money and put it away every day until you become me. You’ll probably have enough to retire….twice.
When you’re about 14 your mom is going to re-marry and move to Florida, I mentioned that before. The guy she marries is super cool and, like your stepmom, he treats you as if you are one of his own. He’s a really good person and has your best interests at heart. Guess what? You’re going to be moving to Florida with them. Hey, that first morning when he’s taking you to school, he’s going to be telling you to tuck in your shirt and tie your shoes. Don’t be such a fucking dick with him about it. He’s only trying to take care of you. Tuck your damn shirt in and tie your shoes, you can always untuck and untie after he leaves. I don’t want to spend a whole lot of time telling you about Florida, but I do want to ask a favor of you, one day about 3 months into your stay there you’re going to be in the living room watching TV and your mom will be in the bedroom ironing. When she starts complaining about whatever it is she’s complaining about you’re going to fly off the handle and say some really mean, mean things to her. Things so mean that she kicks your ass out and sends you back to Kentucky that same day. Your ass will be on a Greyhound before 8:00 that evening. Keep your smart ass mouth shut. You need to get back to Kentucky, because you’ll never be where I am now without it, but try to find a better way. God, you’re going to go through a real time of being a prick while you’re down there. Keep cool, man!! It’s not as bad as you think it is.
When you get back to Kentucky you’re going to be meeting a lot of new friends in high school. You’re a smoker and you enjoy getting high with your friends. You never experiment with anything other than pot so I won’t get on you about it, but, dude, you make friends with a couple of guys named Klaene. Neither of them is afraid to try the next drug of choice. Dude, you gotta find a way to knock some sense into them. That shit follows them into adult life and eventually takes both of their lives. Chris dies when you guys are 30, and Adam hangs around until almost 40. Adam seemed to be clean there at the end but the years of abuse were just too much for his heart. They’re your best friends, man, watch over them.
High school life in general is going to be good, man. You’re going to have a whole lot of friends and you’re going to be pretty popular. Why? Well, I’m not really sure, but I think it’s because you don’t play favorites. It’s that leadership quality I was talking about before. You’re not really going to care if someone is a stoner, a jock, a brainiac, or a loser. You never really care what other people think if they see you talking with someone that everyone else dislikes. You’re friendly to everyone. Keep that quality…..what am I saying, you do.
Hey, I told you before that you like getting high with your friends. Well, let me tell you about the night you stop doing that. You’re going to go out with your friend, Rick, to a bar called Annie’s, and you’re going to drink a whole lot of just about everything you can get your hands on. You’re going to leave there pretty wasted and Rick is going to drop you off out at Chris and Adam’s house. When you get there that whole gang of people is going to be sitting around smoking pot. When you walk in the party starts up again and you guys are going to smoke a whole whole lot. Then you’re going to go down to the basement and pass out on the sofa. You’re going to wake up the next morning half on and half off the sofa and your face is going to be resting on this plastic pumpkin that kids use for trick or treating. The pumpkin is going to be filled with puke. I’m guessing one of the guys put you over it so you wouldn’t choke to death on your own puke. You obviously laid there with your face in that bucket for hours though because all the blood vessels around your eyes were busted and you looked like Mike Tyson tooled you up. You’re going to call it quits right then and there and never touch the stuff again. Sometimes bad things can lead to good things. Enjoy that night, man, the hangover the next day is a life changer.
College is going to be a blur. Nothing really special is going to happen there until you find your job downtown. When you get there, your life is going to take a turn that you never dreamed of.
You’re going to meet a Japanese girl and she’s going to introduce you to her Japanese friend. In the end, you end up going to Japan and staying there…..well…..until you’re me. But that is jumping way ahead of ourselves here. I gotta tell you a few more things.
When you’re 21 you’re going to be living with the Japanese girl and you’ll have plans to get married. Man, a few weeks before your 22nd birthday you’re going to get a phone call early on a Friday morning telling you that your dad is dead. Man, that is going to be the toughest thing you’ve ever had to deal with. You’re going to be lost and have so many questions about life. It’s going to take everything you have in you to stay away from getting drunk or doing some drugs to kill the pain, but you’re going to be strong enough for that. Thank your girlfriend for being there. It’s gonna be really dark though, man. I just wanna warn you. Hey, do me a favor, would ya? The weekend before your dad dies he calls you on a Sunday morning and asks you to come out to the house. It’s going to sound really strange to you because he had never done that before. Do me this huge favor, don’t tell him that you’ll be out next weekend. Get up off the sofa, get a shower and go spend the entire day with him. Tell him you love him and give him the biggest hug you’ve ever given anyone. Or better yet, tell him to go to the doctor and get his heart checked. Kind of a catch 22 on that one though. I’m not sure you’ll go where I am if he’s still there. Again, good things come from the bad…..and, man, there are some really good things coming up for you.
You’re going to Japan!!!! Yes, you actually get on a plane and go to Japan for a vacation. While you’re there you fall in love with the place and decide to move over there. Guess what? You decide to go for one year, make some money, then go back to Cincinnati……then you never return. You and your wife will live with her parents for a few years and then you get out on your own. You’ll be about 25 or 26 when you finally get your own place. Things will go well but slowly you and your wife are going to grow apart. I guess it’s the changes of growing up. You get married way to young, man. You know, I would tell you not to get married so young, but again, it’s part of the puzzle that gets you here to me.
You’re going to get divorced, and although you both know it’s over, it’s still gonna suck on some level. But you guys remain friends with each other so at least there’s no super bad blood between you. It’s after your divorce that things are going to fall into line.
You’re going to meet a girl at your school and fall head over heels in love with her. This is the one, man. This is the person that is the entire reason that you were put on this earth. Remember all those shitty things I told you about? If those things don’t happen just like that you’ll never meet this girl……and that would be the ultimate crime. She’s going to be the most important thing you’ve ever had in your life. She’s going to be the reason you want to wake up every morning. Without her, you’re just wasting your time here.
Now that you know all this stuff it’s up to you to walk the path, man. You now have the knowledge to make changes in your life and change the course of certain events. You can do whatever you feel is best for you, man, but just make sure that you make it to Japan and make sure that you meet that girl. Your life will be nothing without her.
Hey, before I go, I do have a few things I’d specifically like you to do for….us. First, practice your guitar more. Music will play an important part of your life when you’re me. Stick to it and practice as much as you can. Second, man, get some exercise and start eating right. Don’t let your weight go. Start now! Start right now!!
Well, man, that’s about it. There are so many things I didn’t tell you about, but, you’ll find them out as you go. You have a great life staring you in the face, man. As they say, the world is your oyster. Go get ‘em, tiger!!
P.S. I forgot to tell you about when you become “MULLY”. I won’t give details, but it involves a pint of 151 Rum and a Volkswagen Beetle. :+)